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Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
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So, I haven't properly updated. I feel I only use this Livejournal as a moaning page. And today will be no exception. I'm fucking drained right now. My face feels and looks lifeless and my skin is becoming so see-through you can almost see what's going on inside. I stopped taking anything that would vaguely help me along and I've been sleeping more than usual.
I'm so alone, I don't know who to trust anymore. I lap up the attention of so many others just to feel the slight sense of being wanted. I'm not homesick, I just miss normality, I miss the overwhelming feeling of waking up in the morning, and having something to wake up to...like a message or a missed call or maybe just a thought of being close with him. I've never felt so distant. Not just from him, but from myself, from everyone. I can feel myself deteriorating and there's not a lot left I can do. I've adopted a bad attitude and it's so obvious.
Yesterday we met up with some friends, and we had such a nice day. Everyone was getting along well and then it suddenly hit me just how fake we both were being. We were being civil to save the embarrassment of having a fight infront of what seemed to be a very happy couple. It's shit. I hate pretending that all's well when it blatantly isn't.
I just need to see my mother, I need to feel real genuine love right now, which only she can give me.
Not even the Counting Crows can save me now.... xx
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Thursday, December 30th, 2004
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I can't stop falling asleep
Today I'm not very well, and there's no Al to cuddle me.
I wanna go home
This is all too familiar
x
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Saturday, October 16th, 2004
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I'm talking to my brother, and I keep on wanting to cry. He seems lonely, and so am I and I wish I could just close my eyes for a minute and pretend that I don't miss everything.
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Wednesday, August 4th, 2004
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How much longer will it take to cure this
just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love)
makes me wanna turn around and face me
but I don't know nothing 'bout love
The other day I woke up in a puddle full of tears on my pillow, and I didn't wake you. I told you that I loved you more than the world, and I didn't wake you. I stroked back your hair from your face and kissed you, and I didn't wake you. And even when I tripped slightly and hurt my foot and cried some more, I didn't wake you. Because now I know I don't want you to wake and see the real me anymore. And all this time I didn't know why I was crying.
If I could freeze-frame all the moments in my life they would be your face when we first met at the station. The glimmer of love and innocence in your eyes. You never knew I would take a knife to your heart.
The snowy morning in the park where I spun around in circles in the snow and kissed you and we walked and held each other like we were acting out a scene in a movie.
The train station where we said our goodbyes and didn't know when we would see each other again. And as a single tear ran down my face and you wiped it away, I knew already you were dying inside.
The pictures stop here. All we know of is many a late night phone calls, tears and deceit where I kissed a stranger and broke your heart and we didnt speak.
The airport where we met again after so many months, and encountered so many meetings with complete strangers in between. I wasn't even sure it was you, you had changed so much. And I took your hand in mine and held it so strong because I never wanted to let go again.
The loneliest flight in the world where I left my family behind and walked through a departure gate with 'silent night' playing in the background and my sister crying out that she hoped I'd have a nice christmas and that she loved me. When I got off the plane, there was nobody there to meet me, and for a split second I thought it was all a big joke, and all revenge for what I had done to you. and *click* there the picture is, the expression on my face as I sat on an airport seat and cried my fucking eyes out in my oh-so-pathetic world with silent night going around in my head over and over and over again. And the fucking guilt of everything I had done, everything I hadn't achieved and everyone I'd left behind.
The night you took me upstairs after work into a room I didn't recognize as my home still and held me by the hand and led me through a forest of lit candles in a heart shape on the floor, to a single rose. You got down on your knees and asked me to stay with you forever and I cried tears of happiness for the first time in my life and said I was yours always. It started getting serious from there.
The next picture is so vague and full of so much, times you comforted me and we told each other we loved each other a thousand times. The times wee told each other we hated each other a million times and the things we lost in between the lines. Oh what could have been I'm so sorry.
The last picture is of you, faded and torn at the sides where I have sunk my teeth into your fragile life and ripped it apart without a care. And in the picture there are tears, and you are crying and you have your hands over your face, hiding from something or someone. And I know it's the real you because inside, I'm killing you Or maybe I just don't know you.
I'm so sad right now, I can't even face you.
When you say it's over, it's over. But for now I'll keep on loving you as much as I can x
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| Time: | 5:56 pm. |
| Mood: |  depressed. |
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If it wasn't Kate, then it was Serena, then Sarah, then Cami and now fucking Lora.
I can't help but think she's gonna start taking him away from me. She could make him fall in love with her you know? She was all he ever wanted at one point
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| Time: | 4:24 pm. |
| Mood: | lonely. | | Music: | when you come back down. |
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When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
I'm falling apart and I can't even tell you. I can't even write I'm shaking so much at the thought this could actually be it. When I wake in the mornings you'll never know what it feels like to see someone lying next to you you're slowly killing inside.
And now I can't even say it's gonna be okay because I really don't think it will be. When did I stop being you're everything? I fell for you, I fell for you so badly. It may only be a relationship, but it's all I have, it's all I want. You're all I want, and I will never find what we had with anyone. You were the first person that I loved and who loved me, you made me giddy when you first kissed me, you were the first person I felt comfortable with and you made me complete.
(that snowy day in the park meant more than you think)
There's no Al
There's no Lissy
I thought it would always be Al and Lissy.
We decided our wedding outfits and our kids name's. Is it too late?
It's so different to how we thought it would be isn't it? I'm not a real person anymore, I'm a ghost walking around the house making you nervous from time to time, crying her tragic mascara tears.
I don't want to make this decision. I can't live without you and as cliched as it is, I mean that more than I ever have before. I am so in love with you, I just can't show you.
x
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Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004
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I wish I fucking understood. I hate that burning sensation when you're about to cry.
The worst feeling in the world is feeling worthless. Even more when you have no direction and even more so the feeling of letting everyone down and everything around you fall to dust.
So it starts here, my mind choking by my heartstrings that are tangled in a mess on the floor. Bruised knees, where I've been trying to crawl after you in the dark and bloody hands where I tried to pick up the shattered remains of myself somewhere along the way. I grab at anything I can see, drag it down, hold onto as support and dig my nails right in. I end up breaking them apart as well. And no matter how hard I try I can't seem to tape it all back up together, and make it presentable to give back to you to love like you have for so many years.
But I do know, that no matter how much of a mess I become, you will still love me, or will you?
So instead I hide it all away and cover up the scars and stains with a bit of paint and put a new cover on it so you wont know the difference. And I wont tell you anything.
But now the paint is starting to peel away, and the covers are looking worn and burnt, you can see what's really underneath. And then I start to wonder will he still love me?
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Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
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Did you ever discover something you didn't want to? Did you become who you feared to be? Did you ever learn to forgive someone? Did you ever really want me?
I'm such a brat. I walk all over everyone without even giving a shit.
This situation isn't getting any better
I see that look in yor eyes (the look in your eyes)
You want to see a pretty face?
There isn't anything wrong with giving up
*********************
Did you ever have a song that you listened to forever and then one day it suddenly hits you that that is the best fucking song written?
Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream she said
The one that makes me laugh she said
And threw her arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I’ll run away with you
I’ll run away with you
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
Why are you so far away? she said
Why won’t you ever know that I’m in love with you
That I’m in love with you
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You’re just like a dream
Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven
I think Al and I are splitting up, due to my childish behaviour and constant attention seeking. He has too much stress with work going on without having to look after a four year old all the time. He's right I act like I'm four. He's the best thing that ever happened to me, the only person I can trust and feel comfortable with, I'll never find that again with anyone. And the worse thing is there's nobody else to blame except myself.
Little shivers shaking me everyday
But I could get this same thing anywhere
So if she goes away
well it's alright and I'm ok
Please don't destroy me
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Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
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today was such a great day. Me and Al went out for lunch and did a bit of shopping, it was a pretty average day but it happened to be the most gorgeous day ive seen for such a long time. When we got back we both sat outside on the balcony and chatted for a bit, then he hooked up the internet so I could use the laptop on the balcony. So I've just spent the past hour out there chatting to old friends from guernsey and it was so nice. The sun's gone down and It's getting cold so I came back in. I feel really positive about stuff today, it's been a great day. I don't realise how lucky I am sometimes, you know?
Atreyu is writing your life story! dark, loud and
grand, but you may want to rethink the whole
obsessed with death thing. and the black
eyeliner. yick.
Which Band Is Writing Your Life's Story?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are that Sorrow-ful Davey Havok of AFI..Ooh..so
beautiful..and just dancing through Sunday.
East Bay Hardcore 4 Life!
!!What Vocalist Are You?!
brought to you by Quizilla
alriiiiight
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| Time: | 11:12 am. |
| Mood: |  cold. | | Music: | the blood brothers. |
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I feel like I hardly know you anymore, I feel like I hardly know myself. You don't let me in like you used to, and I'll continually keep on reading your journals and pretending I know what you are talking about when I really don't have a clue. It's lost its magic? We've lost our magic? I'll always automatically think that the problems are directly related to you and I because I hate the way things have become with us.
There's too much stress, too much fucking ridiculous arguments about money and who's going to do the fucking dishes. But it's not what it's really all about is it? You're fucking angry with me all the time, and it's making me so miserable. I'm careless with money, yes, I could be more considerate and stop acting like a twelve year old, yes...but for fuck sake stop pushing me away.
I don't know what I am doing at all anymore, and the only thing that's stopping me from going completely fucking crazy is I know that somewhere, under your new tough exterior is a warm, decent person who actually does love me.
I'm sick and tired of fucking sleepless nights, and restless mornings wondering whether today is gonna be one of our ever-so-rare 'good days'. You think i'm sensitive with a capital P (pathetic) well maybe I am but at least that's my way of showing how I feel. I hardly saw you at all last week, and it was strange but nice because when we finally got to see each other it meant so much more. Take a break from what you've been doing for hours once in a while, sit down with me and ask me how my fucking day has been before I start to think that you just don't give a shit.
Now read this, take this in and interpret it how you want (probably wrongly) and we'll have another argument if you want..
just remember it has taken a lifetime for us to get together, it takes five minutes to show me that you love me.
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Thursday, February 26th, 2004
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| Time: | 12:56 pm. |
| Mood: |  worried. | | Music: | from autumn to ashes. |
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last night I saw from Autumn to Ashes at the garage in London. It was fucking great. The support wasn't too bad either. Cry For Silence were on first who were quite tight and Boys Night Out were on second, who fucking sucked. They were like punk rock/hardcore....oh yes it does exsist, and the lead singer looked like Fred Durst.
I met Al's friend Camille last night who was cute and very short. We hung by the bar for the support. Ben was coming onto Hayley so much, and she was fucking lapping it up. She's such a little tart haha. Peewee came dressed in disguise wearing a beanie really low on his head so nobody would recognise him and beat the shit outta him (story with him is he's created a lot of shit at a load of shows by trashing the place and now everyone's out to get him). Carly, Jess and Lee were there too, and it was quite cool.
From Autumn to Ashes came on and fucking blew me away. Tight as fuck even though the sound was a little shit. The lead singer reminds me of my uncle a little, I dunno why, maybe they're the same age group haha. The drummer who also sings backing vocals was fucking awesome. We were kinda near the front at the side for it, just behind the pit. It was cool. Just towards the end I saw some girls push two of their other girlfriends into the pit, which was a fucking stupid idea seeing as they were all beating the shit out of each other.
I got a really nice FATA t-shirt last night, it's a really nice fit. Most of the designs for FATA were fucking awful. The only really nice designs was the one I got, and the CFS ones.
The show finished quite early, earlier than I expected I guess. Was so fucking knackered when we got on the train. Carly got a train back with Ben and Peewee in the end to Hayward's Heath 'cause Ben was driving back from there, so me, Al and Hayley got the train back together. I saw Lyndsay(girl from work)'s boyfriend at the station, wasn't actually sure it was him, until we got on the train and Al saw his mate wearing a Jersey badge. I'm now convinced he thinks I'm fucking insane. We were talking so much shit on the way home and trying to figure out various kiddy programme theme tunes which yes, involved singing. We had to walk through a scary park on the way home and I swear I stepped on a snake....
Anyways, overall it was a fucking wicked night. Gotta be at work in an hour :(
xXx
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Thursday, February 19th, 2004
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just a quick update:
*Alasdair proposed to me on Valentine's Day
*Al bought me a rose, a black boned corset with pink bows and matching underwear and a really nice bra, an engagement ring and a coheed and cambria zipped hoody, nice....
*Just had to have my lip re-pierced by Quentin because work made me take it out, and I swear to god it hurt more than actually having it done
*I spent 3 hours tidying the house this morning
*From Autumn to Ashes is on Wednesday and we still don't have tickets
*My mum's coming over at the end of March
*we saw the distillers in brixton last week, and my god brody is so hot and is not as butch live as I imagined
<3 <3
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Thursday, February 12th, 2004
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Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
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1) Using band names, spell out your name
A FI
L eftover Crack
I nternational Noise Conspiracy
C oheed and Cambria
I dlewild
A merican Nightmare
B lood Brothers
R efused
O peration Ivy
W hite Zombie
N orma Jean
2) Have you ever had a song written about you? I think so but probably not.
3) What song makes you cry? Track 7 on Portishead album
4) What song makes you happy? ska wars by Capdown
5) What do you like to listen to before bed? Counting Crows and Coheed and Cambria
PT. II
a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: 5'4"
HAIR COLOR: black
SKIN COLOR: pale or porcelin beauty as Al just said HAHA
EYE COLOR: green
PIERCINGS: stretched ears, nose, tongue and side lip
TATTOOS: not yet
r i g h t n o w
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: grey turn-ups
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: Michael Jackson......??
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: crumpets
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: grey and cloudy
HOW ARE YOU? baring up
d o y o u
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: on boats I have once, when I got stuck in Guernsey harbour coming back from France
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: oh yes....several
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: yeah lately
LIKE TO DRIVE?: ...people mad? shopping trolleys?
f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW: viva la bam
CONDITIONER: herabl essences
BOOK: white oleander - janet fitch, Mr. Nice - Howard Marks
MAGAZINE: err don't read magazines much anymore...I think porn's funny
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: diet coke
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: peach schnapps and lemonade or stella
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: get fucking hammered
BAND OR GROUP or SINGER or RAPPER: from autumn to ashes
h a v e y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: yes
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: yes
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: yes
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: no
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: yes
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: no
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: without telling them? yes
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: loads
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: yes in the bath and I went like a prune
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: oh yes
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: guess so
l o v e
BOYFRIEND: For the time being
GIRLFRIEND: that too
SEXUALITY: depends on the weather
CHILDREN: what about them? pains in the arse
CURRENT CRUSH: johnny depp ha
BEEN IN LOVE?: ya
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: yes
BEEN HURT?: all the time
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: raaaaaaaaaaaaaar
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: yes
r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: coffee thingy
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: portishead
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: purrrrple!!!
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: music + al + crumpets
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST?: al. see also: saddest.
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: these qus. succccccccck
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: the only good friend is yourself
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?: get wasted, get fucking drunk, smash things, take drugs
w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t
TIME YOU CRIED?: last night
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: a week ago
YOU GOT E-MAIL: yesterday
THING YOU PURCHASED: white and green dunlop shoes
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: cribs
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: terminator 3 why I dont know
y o u r t h o u g h t s o n
ABORTION: dunno
TEENAGE SMOKING: their own choice
SPICE GIRLS: rich bitches
DREAMS: I don't have them much anymore
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Sunday, January 25th, 2004
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Wow two entries in one day, we are getting geeky now.
It struck me today, how terribly fucking lucky I am. I have a loving family who supported me through everything I went through with getting here, a wonderful group of friends who accepted me and made me feel welcome when I knew no-one, a fucking awesome flat that everyone loves coming to and a fucking rad boyfriend. Jesus, can't believe I just used the word rad. Through all the fucking hassle and moaning i've been doing, although I may not be entirely happy, I'm so lucky.
I've waited for this moment all my life and more and nothing can ruin this now. Our relationship has changed so much, even in the last few hours, it's always changing. We've grown together, moulded together and our grip gets stronger each day. I never have sleepless nights, because I know I am safe. I never feel alone or empty because I have you holding my mind together and I'm not scared of the strength of this relationship anymore and where it's heading because I welcome our future together with open arms.
Enough of the emo bullshit now.
Al thanks for getting your dick pierced I really appreciate it.
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| Time: | 10:13 am. |
| Mood: |  bitchy. | | Music: | brand new. |
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wow, I looked outside today and there was snow on the car in front of the flat. It snowed last January around this time, when I met up with Al in London, but before then I don't think I saw snow for about 13 years. Apparantly it's supposed to snow this week which would be awesome. I phoned my mum this morning and told her Al got his PA done....she wasn't impressed. I slipped into conversation a comment about Al and I getting married, that didn't go down too well at all.
He's in bed at the minute. I just walked out and slammed the door because he said that I constantly woke him up in the mornings and he stayed tired for the whole day. I think he forgets that it's my bedroom too and that I need to use it as much as he does, which will involve walking in and out a lot, at least I'm trying to be quiet. On the other hand, apparantly it's alright for him to wake me up 2 or 3 hours after I've gone to sleep when I have work the next day early, just so he can ask whether I'm still awake or not.
Yesterday was a pretty shit day. It felt weird, just the whole atmosphere like there was a big black cloud over the whole day. I think the fact that Alasdair got a PA done didn't help: I wasn't keen on the idea at all. My moodiness is becoming a joke in this relationship. I'm taking it out on Al when it's not even his fault and I can't help it. It must be so frustrating for him not to be able to talk to me or communicate. I'm hard to communicate with at the best of times, but in the frame of mind that I'm usually in it would be twice as hard.
Chloe comes over on Thursday. I feel bad because I'm taking the day off work today with supposed "food-poisoning", and with my current money situation it's probably not the best of ideas. I have about £150 to last me nearly six weeks. Maybe things will be okay when Chloe 's over
x
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Saturday, January 24th, 2004
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alriiiiiiight al got his dick pierced.
I went sexy underwear shopping and found a black silk corset for £2....so hot
I'm pissed x
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01. If you could be called any name in the world what would it be? probably heather
02. What attracts you most to the opposite sex? eyes and hair
03. What body part would you change if you could? stomach and nose
04. Would you ever consider having sex with a member of the same sex if you knew you would become a millionaire out of it? yeah
05. What colour are your eyes? green
06. What colour are your pubes? lame
07. What would be your all time fantasy? meh outdoors
08. What size feet do you have? 7.
09. If your best mate's boy/girl came on to you would you push her/him away? well i dunno
10. What do you most get irritated over? attention seekers
11. What's your favourite song? mmm autumn defence - from autumn to ashes
12. Favourite type of crisps? plain
13. Favourite type of animal? dogs
14. Greatest fear? heights
15. What cant you live without? music
16. Favourite comedy programme? the office
17. Favourite actor? thora birch
18. Do you like filling these out? No
19. Favourite holiday destination? mmm Californa given half the chance
20. Do you believe in God? No.
21. What's your view on religion? meh i dunno
22. Comedy/horror films? comedy
23. Favourite person to talk to online? geoff or matt
24. Best friend? mm a few people
25. Cutest friend? carly
26. Funniest friend? matt
27. Weirdest? janey
28. Stupidness? err?
29. What's your personal opinion on the person who sent you this? meh30. Person you most dislike? meh
31. Storms - scary
32. Favourite hobby? music
33. Ever been in love? yeah
34. All time favourite sweets? polos
35. Favourite smells? vanilla
36. Favourite alcoholic drink? archers and lemonade
37. Radio or TV? TV
im too drunk and i jsut got told off x
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Saturday, January 17th, 2004
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| Time: | 12:17 pm. |
| Mood: | depressed. | | Music: | from autumn to ashes. |
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I hate my job. I had a nine and a half hour shift the other day with a twenty minute break. There's too many gigs on, Beecher and Norma Jean, Give up the Ghost, From Autumn to Ashes and The Distillers, and I have no money and no time off work.
Al wants his friend Sarah to come stay for a few days from the internet. He always seems to have indepth conversations with her, unlike he does with me, and she seems to interesting. It's not that I wouldn't trust him, it's just I wouldn't be happy with the situation knowing that when I've gone to bed he'll still be up chatting with her about everything, or when I'm at work knowing they're out together. She's very clever I think, I'd probably feel inferior to her. I'm not happy about it.
Plus Chloe is coming over in a week or so I don't know.
I'm really tired and I have to work until 8:00 tonight.
I really need to cry
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certainxlight's journal
